Gather round and settle down as I transport you back to a time when things were simpler. Watch all of those things around you fizzle away, as you find yourself in a small, peaceful village.
You share this village with a dozen or so other families. You all work together to provide for each other. One family provides crops, another provides cows and chickens, another makes clothing.
A few meters away is a beautiful, clear stream that provides everyone with drinking water. Everything you need to survive and live happily is in this village. And that is why no one has ever felt the need to venture into the forest that surrounds you.
That forest is so dense with trees that it is known as “The Dark Forest”. Nothing good happens in The Dark Forest, and nothing good comes from it.
When you were small, a little boy you grew up with named Try one day ventured into the forest out of curiosity. He never returned. The whole village mourned Try’s loss for months.
Every so often, bandits come from the forest to steal from the village. Sometimes the villagers fought them off, other times some of the villages were killed by them.
When you grew up, you would always hear stories from the elders about the bad things that happened to people who went into The Dark Forest. They would be eaten by dragons, or swallowed by trees or carried away by giant eagles.
Every few months, the whole village would celebrate a birthday by singing songs about how the village has allowed them to live for another year. Every night before going to bed you and your family would express your gratitude to the village for allowing you to survive and live happily for another day, and pray for its protection for the next day.
You had a happy and safe life in this simple, peaceful village.
That is until one day a strange man stepped out of The Dark Forest with a sack of delicious looking fruits. The whole village gathered around to hear what the man had to say.
“My name is Try. 30 years ago, I left this village as a small boy.”
The villagers let out a collective gasp. Try’s elderly parents stepped forth, with tears streaming down their eyes. “Is it really you?”.
“It is I” said Try. “I bring with me gifts, and a message to you all that there is a big, wide world out there, with so much more to offer you. Please accept these fruits, in exchange for letting me share with you tales of the wonders the world has to offer.”
Safe Zones and DANGER, DRAGONS!
*clicks fingers*
OK, come back to the real world for a second. Notice the sounds of car horns honking around you, the whirring of your computer’s hard drive, and the taste of that Frappucino that you’re slurping through a paper straw. You with me? Good.
In that story, the village is a safe zone, and The Dark Forest is dangerous. This is a metaphor for the mind.
As I’ve written in many other posts, our mind seeks to map out the reality surrounding it, so that we can better predict what actions will lead to the things we want, and how to avoid the things that might kill us.
In the earliest days of our species, this map was literally a map. It was a map of our surroundings. If I go to the river, then there is drinking water. If I go to my neighbour’s house, then I can eat chickens and eggs. If I go to the forest, then dragons will eat me.
As our species evolved, life became a bit more complicated.
The first layer of complication was the social world we ended up inhabiting. Living in groups helped us survive and even better, thrive. We could work together to hunt a wooly mammoth. We could allocate different tasks to different people, so one person could cook whilst another looked after the babies.
But this social world wasn’t so straightforward. We needed to be accepted by the group in order to survive in it. This meant paying very close attention to how everyone behaved, what the group valued, and making sure we made an effort to place the group’s needs ahead of our own individual needs. All whilst unconsciously wanting to gain a higher status in the group as well.
This meant our mapping skills started getting applied to social situations as well. If I pat Caveman Bob on the back in front of everyone else, then he will think I am trying to show I am higher status than him and might try to club me to death. If I sleep too close to the baby, then others will assume I am taking responsibility for the baby tonight, so I’d better not sleep there!
Fast forward thousands of years and there are even more layers of complexity. We now live in civilisations, with multiple cultures, with multiple beliefs and values systems. If I talk about politics at the dinner table then my two uncles will start a fist fight with each other. If I travel to this country and make too much eye contact with members of the opposite sex then I will be beaten up. If I show my feet to people in this country then I will get kicked out of a restaurant.
We all have well established maps of Safe Zones and Danger Areas. In the village in that story, life was simple. Stay in the village, don’t go into the forest. But in our world, life is very much, extremely, not simple.
We frequently find ourselves talking to people who hold different beliefs, and values to us. And sometimes we find ourselves in a position where we need to persuade other people to change their beliefs.
Which is what the man from the forest, who says he is Try, is trying to do.
DANGER!
“He’s not Try! He’s another raider and he’s here to kill us all with his poisoned fruits!” shouted one of the villagers.
The villagers erupted into a panicked debate. What should they do with this man? Let him in and risk their lives? Let him go and risk him bringing back more raiders?
Yet some in the village were curious. There were a few, like yourself, who had long suspected that there might be a bigger, better world out there. Maybe we should listen to him?
“Here!” shouted the man. “I know you must be concerned. So I offer myself as your prisoner. And as for these fruits, choose one at random and let me eat it. But I just ask one thing in exchange. If tomorrow, a full day after eating the fruit, I am still alive, then I ask that you listen to what I have to say.”
The villagers went quiet. Then Strongman, the strongest man in the village, stepped forth and choose one of the fruits at random and passed it to the man. The villagers watched on as he ate the fruit.
Once the fruit was finished, Strongman took this strange man to an empty pen in the middle of the village, and with a dozen other villagers kept watch on him throughout the night.
Surrender
When it comes to convincing people to change their beliefs, there are many challenges.
Firstly, the mind does not like this. The mind likes a complete map. When you tell a mind that it’s map is incorrect, that it’s beliefs are inaccurate, it’s like telling a toddler that they can’t watch TV.
Being suddenly thrown into such an uncertain reality is extremely unsettling. If this belief is not true, then what is? And if that belief is true, then does that mean all my other beliefs are not true? Does this mean everything I’ve experienced in life that has so far proven this belief is true is all untrue? Bullshit!
The mind does not seek truth. The mind seeks control.
It’s mapping mechanism enables it to control the world. If my toddler asks to watch TV, then he will watch TV. If one day I suddenly tell him “No more TV!”, then his world has fallen apart. It was all he wanted, the only way he knew to satisfy the craving that bugs him so much. The only possible choice he now has is to throw a tantrum to try and regain control of the situation.
This is just the first challenge. There is also a second, far bigger challenge.
Beliefs are what entrench us in our tribes. We gain acceptance from our tribes by believing in the same things. If all of a sudden I were to completely change my beliefs, I would risk rejection from the tribe. If I were rejected by my tribe, everything I knew about how to live, every support network I had, would completely disappear.
Imagine a teenager, growing up in a deeply conservative and religious family, suddenly realising they were a homosexual. All their lives they’d heard from their parents that homosexuality was evil. If they were to come out to their parents, their parents would disown them. How could a teenager survive when everything they knew was suddenly ripped away from them?
There is a lot attaching people to their beliefs. If you suddenly try to force people to detach from their beliefs, then you are a massive threat to their safety and the only way they can respond is by treating you as dangerous.
Which is why this strange man from the forest choose to take his unique approach. He surrendered himself to them, giving them complete control. He even offered to eat one of the fruits, to show he was not trying to hurt them.
If you want to convince someone, you need to work with their mind, like that man from the forest. Offer them control. Don’t tell them things, ask them instead.
I find when I am speaking to clients that they more easily buy into my way of thinking when I ask questions like:
- “I’d like to show you this idea I have, and then get your thoughts on it. Would that be OK?”
- “I’m thinking maybe we should try this approach, what do you think about that?”
- “How about we focus on this first?”
Secondly, show them that you are willing to let go of your own self-interests. If this strange man from the forest really had poisoned fruits and wanted to poision them, then would he have eaten those fruits?
In client situations, my self-interest is normally to sell more days of training for a higher price. When the client wants one day of training, naturally you might expect me to push for 2 days. And I know many people in my industry who do this.
Sometimes the client even asks me if I think two days would be better than one. But instead of pushing for more days, I focus on the problem the client wants to solve. If we do two days, this is what we’ll be able to do. If we do one day, then this is what we’ll be able to do.
Sometimes I even say that one day would be better than two. Sometimes I purposefully cut myself off from easy opportunities to make more money. Because I am committed to showing the client that I prioritise their interests over mine.
The result is a lot of trust, and very strong relationships. That sometimes leads to more work, other times it doesn’t. But at the very least, it always leads to more trust.
Safe Steps
One full day after eating the fruit, the man was still alive, with no sign of being poisoned.
Strongman called for all the villagers to gather round and started offering them fruits. They all ate the fruits and commented on how delicious they were.
“Let’s hear what he has to say then!” said one of the villagers.
“Let’s find out if he’s really Try!” said another of the villagers.
Strongman opened the pen and let the man out. The villagers gathered round to hear what he had to say.
“My name is Try. I was born here. Those two are my parents” he said, pointing at Try’s parents with tears streaming down their faces.
“When I was small, my father cursed me for my curiosity. I would always be exploring. Sometimes I would explore the neighbour’s homes and he would have to come and find me!”
“It’s true! I remember!” said one of the villagers as Try’s parents nodded with a look of hope rising on their faces.
“I was too curious for this village. So when I was 6, my curiosity took me to what you call The Dark Forest. I spent days exploring that forest. Some of it was dark, and some of it was dangerous. But not all of it.
I found a tree that provided these fruits. That tree kept me alive. I explored further, and found more trees with more fruits. I lived happily in that forest for days. Until eventually I walked out of it, and entered a whole new world.
You live in a village. I found cities. I found new people of different colours. I learnt so many things. I have so many great memories. But I never forgot you.
And so I have come back here, because I remember there were others like me as well. Others who were curious, but always held back.”
He looked at you, and several other villagers. You realise that is true. You had always wondered what lies beyond that forest. But you were always discourgaed from exploring. You were always scared of leaving what was so familiar.
“My message is not for all of you. I know most of you are happy here. But I know that some of you wonder what’s out there. If you are curious, then my message is for you.
And all I ask, is that you come to the edge of the village with me, and peer through the trees, and I’ll show you the tree that this fruit came from.”
You Can’t Persuade Everyone
It appears that this is Try.
On top of surrendering, building trust and building good will, he’s also provided proof. So far, he’s consistently provided more reasons to trust him than not trust him. Good work Try.
He’s also been selective. He knows that for most of those villagers, it is actually better for them to stay in that village. Persuading those people might actually hurt them.
So instead he focuses on the “Curious Persuadables”. The people who were curious to start with.
Convincing, influencing and persuading, are essentially about movement. You want to move someone from one position to another position.
Move your boss from not considering you for a promotion, to offering you a promotion. Move your spouse from not wanting to watch your favorite TV show, to watching your favorite TV show. Move your colleague from not wanting to help you finish a report early, to helping you.
When you establish what your movement point is, you then have to consider how far away it is from where that person currently is.
As a general rule, people cannot be moved too far from their current position. But, they can be moved a bit from it.
Try wants to move the villagers from their village to go and explore with him. But he knows most of those villagers are too far away from that position. So instead, he focuses on the few that are within reach of that position; the curious persuadables.
See for yourself
Try was permitted to walk to the edge of the village with all of the villagers.
As they approached the tree line, most of the villagers started to feel uneasy and stayed back. “It’s OK, only go as far as you are comfortable” Try said, and some waited back.
But the curious persuadables approached the tree line with Try.
“All I ask is that you look to where I am pointing” as he pointed through the trees.
The curious persuadables focused their gaze through the trees. After a few silent moments one of them suddenly shouted “I see it! I see it! A golden tree with fruits!”
The others started to see as well and excitement spread around. Some of the more conservative villagers stepped forward a few steps to see for themselves.
“I’m going to that tree over there. If you want to come with me, I promise I’ll keep you safe. And you can see the path from here to there, so if you want to come back you know how to”.
The curious persuadables, including Try’s parents stepped forth with him and walked to the fruit tree. They all gathered around under the tree enjoying the fruits.
Some of the more conservative villagers came towards the tree as well and started enjoying the fruits. It was an extremely happy and relieving moment for them all.
“Now, I am going to leave and venture out of this forest to the big wide world. If you want to come and join me then I will happily show you around. You have loved ones in this village, you can always come back.”
Some of the curious persuadables hesitated. This was as far as they could go.
But a few others, including Try’s parents, decided to join Try. They gave a teary goodbye to their loved ones, but knew their loved ones would be fine, and assured them they would come back soon.
Some of them weren’t permitted to go. Their loved ones couldn’t deal with the thought of being separated from them.
But a few were encouraged to leave. Their loved ones had always known that there was a much bigger world out there that they longed to explore.
And so they all set off into the unknown, with their guide Try who will show them the big wide world and all it has to offer them.
Step by Step
To move someone to the point you want them to move to, it is best to go step by step, like Try did.
You can’t persuade everyone to go so far. But you can persuade most people to go further than they’d gone before.
At every step, allow them to make the choice to go forward or step backward.
For some, disconnecting from their beliefs, no matter how toxic you may think they are, is just too much for them.
But at the very least, you can move them a step in the right direction. You can even plant a seed by showing them the benefits this other belief system has to offer them. Maybe after a while, when they’ve managed their attachments to their current belief system, they’ll be able to take more steps forward.
If you are going to take them into a new belief system, you have a great responsibility as well. You are taking them into a new world. Rather than show them what they shouldn’t believe in, show them what they can believe in. Keep filling in the gaps in their maps to help them feel more in control.
The key to persuasion is to give them enough reasons to simply have a try.
Summary
If you want to convince people to change their beliefs, try the following steps:
- Recognise their current beliefs and values, and what would attach them to those
- Surrender control to them, and prove your commitment to prioritising their interests over your own
- Clarify your movement point; where you want to move them to
- Identify their starting point and evaluate how far they can realistically move from there
- Move them step by step to your movement point, being sure to show them the benefits each step of the way, allowing them to manage their attachments to their starting points, and offering support and guidance as they venture into the unknown
