Everyday is a new drama.

Like today, when I walked to my normal coffee shop and found it was full. No seats. Gasp! How will I be able to write if I can’t drink a latte in a coffee shop?

With sweat running down my forehead and my heart pounding, I set out on a journey. I walked one block North, crossed the road and entered…

The shopping mall.

Inside the shopping mall there are many coffee shops, but I could find no good coffee shops. They were noisy and crowded. Not suitable for a writer like me.

Dejected, I set out on a journey back home. All my time on the road wasted. I wouldn’t be able to write back home. It wasn’t a coffee shop. There’s no latte back home. This was going to be a truly terrible day.

But then, as I stepped off the elevator on the second floor, straight ahead of me was a white, shiny coffee shop, with many empty seats, power sockets and enough silence to allow a writer’s mind to settle.

What’s more, they sold latte. And so now here I am, drinking latte and writing, just like a proper writer.

Shattering Glass

In our minds, we hold on to precious glass models of the world. At the very heart of these precious glass models are memories of experiences, mostly hidden in the depths of our unconscious minds. Layered on top of these are values. Our values tell us what is good and what is bad. And layered on top of these are beliefs. Our beliefs tell us how the world works, how to get more good things and how to avoid the bad things.

Beliefs are simple if…then… logic:

• If I walk to my normal coffee shop, then I will be able to write from there.
• If I drink latte, then I will be able to write.
• If the coffee shop is noisy and crowded, then I won’t be able to write.
• If the coffee shop is quiet, then I will be able to write.
• If I work from home, I won’t be able to write.

Our beliefs are extremely important to us. They enable us to predict what’s going to happen. They give us the power to control the world around us, so that we can get what we want. My beliefs enable me to write from a coffee shop.

If we suddenly did not know how to get what we want, that would be very unsettling. We would wonder, will I be able to get what I want? Am I going to suffer?

And to find out how to get what we want, we would have to learn. We don’t like learning. Learning costs valuable energy that could otherwise be invested in things we enjoy like Netflix and sleeping.

We feel safe when reality fits into our precious glass models.

But every so often, reality smashes our glass models.

It might start with a minor crack. Like when I walked into my normal coffee shop and saw the sight of it full. I thought, if I wait around a while then a seat will appear. But after a few moments, I realised those bastards weren’t leaving their seats. Suddenly my beliefs were smashed to pieces.

DRAMA!

William Storr, author of The Science of Storytelling, defines drama with one single question; Who am I?

I am a writer. And I say that because I sit in coffee shops drinking latte and writing. This is who I believe I am.

But when I am suddenly presented with a challenge that conflicts with my beliefs, other parts of me are revealed. You saw the panicky me with sweat running down his forehead and his heart pounding. You saw the dejected me feeling sorry for myself.

We all have multiple sides to ourselves. You have the “professional” side that comes out when speaking to your customers. The “real you” side that comes out when drinking with your friends. The “adorable” side that comes out when speaking to your grandparents. The “sexy” you that comes out when trying to impress a date. The “creepy” you that normally comes out when you’re doing things on your own!

For most people, we go about our lives in a predictable manner. We plan our day, we execute our plan, most things meet most of our expectations and we’re able to show the sides of us that we want to show.

And this also allows us to feel a sense of moral superiority. Things happened that way because we INTENDED them to happen. Look at me and my mastery of the universe, I intended for things to happen and they did. Therefore, I must be wise and all knowing. Therefore, I must be morally superior.

We are still a tribal species. Our most distant ancestors lived in hunter gatherer tribes. What was most important for acceptance in these tribes was to demonstrate that we prioritised the tribe’s needs over our own individual needs. If we did this, we were accepted and celebrated and therefore had a higher chance of survival. If we did the opposite and acted seflishly, we were rejected and hated and pretty much sentenced to death.

This is why social acceptance is so important to us. We have a deep need to be accepted by others who share the same values.

When we have precious glass model of the world that allows us to get what we want, and gain social acceptance, we feel like a hero.

But every so often, reality smashes our beliefs to pieces. Our models for controlling the world AND gaining social acceptance are suddenly gone. When this happens, sides of us that we had suppressed, that we hadn’t even realised existed, start to come out.

We’ve all seen it before. When the Yoga teacher has a nervous breakdown. When the know it all consultant freezes during a presentation. When the micromanaging CEO suddenly stops giving a shit.

It’s at this point that we start a journey. We need to pick up the pieces and rebuild our model of the world. We need to manage the conflict between our various selves. By doing so, eventually we will be able to feel in control of the world, find wholeness and gain social acceptance again. We will again feel like a hero. This journey is known as The Hero’s Journey.

Enter Simon Sinek

DISCLAIMER:
I am in no way a fan of Simon Sinek. His style annoys me more than anything. I also question just how much substance he is able to provide his audience. But one thing I’ll give him a serious amount of credit for, is his ability to resonate with his audience.

In Nancy Duarte’s book Resonate, she talks about making your audience the hero. And that is exactly what Simon Sinek did in his speech that broke the internet.

In a 2017 interview, he talked about “The Millenial Question”. What he proceeded to do was a masterclass in making his audience the hero.

He starts off with a very key word: “apparently”, which lets the audience know that every criticism he is about to list against them, criticisms that they’ve probably heard time and time again, are not from him. “Thank god!”, the millenial thinks, “He’s on our side!”.

He then proceeded to list reasons for their “apparent” flaws. Things like bad parenting, technology, the internet etc. He sums it up with one key phrase; “they were dealt a bad hand”. As a millenial, most of these things you are highly likely to have experienced in your life. Not only has Simon Sinek shown that he “gets” their world, he’s also provided for them some beliefs that fit perfectly into their glass models, and even strengthen their glass models. “I like this guy” they think.

As he talks about social media and smartphones, he starts to crack their glass model. “If you wake up and you check your phone before you say good morning to your girlfriend, boyfriend or spouse, you have an addiction. And like all addiction in time it will destroy relationships, it will cost time and it will cost money and it will make your life worse”. Cue a shot of an audience member looking very concerned.

What he’s done here is extremely, extremely clever. He has started by massaging and strengthening their glass models, before cracking them very gently. If he’d walked in and just started talking about all the problems they had and that they’re causing, and showed no support or understanding for them whatsoever, he would have been an evil villain with a sledgehammer threatening to smash down every glass model they have. That would be terrible, and would result in instant rejection with nobody listening to them.

But because he worked with their mental models first, he’s got permission to crack their glass models, but only if he can show them there’s something in it for them. And he’s done that. He’s told them that checking their phones before speaking to their partners will make their lives worse.

Let me give a reality check here. I normally wake up at 7am. My wife normally wakes up at 9am. Yes, I check my phone before I speak to my wife. Not because I have an addiction, but because my wife is still sleeping.

If some of those millenial audience members still had access to their critical thinking functions then they would also question the validity of this statement. But they don’t, because he “gets” them. He’s not a threat. He’s a mentor. Critical functions can shut down.

“What this young generation needs to learn is patience. That some things that really, really matter, like love, or job fulfilment, joy, love of life, self confidence, a skill set, any of these things, all of these things take time”. Daww, now he’s gone and patched up those cracks. He’s massaged their model, he’s cracked it, and now he’s fixed it and made it better. Damn this guy’s good.

But then he goes on to crack their model again by talking about how their problems can lead to suicide, depression and how the types of problems we’re seeing now are unheard of. He mentions how the best case sceario is that this generation will never find joy. He’s gone and cracked their glass models again, but again, done it in a loving and caring way.

“We’re taking this amazing group of young fantastic kids who were just dealt a bad hand through no fault of their own. And we put them in corporate environments that care more about the numbers than they do the kids.”

“It’s the total lack of good leadership in our world today that’s making them feel the way they do.”

Patching it up AGAIN.

I’m not quite sure what his end game is here. But it’s very easy to imagine it’s that he wants millennials to view him as a mentor so that he gets invited by them and their leaders to come and help them.

He shows he’s got solutions to their problems. He talks about how people don’t talk to each other before meetings, they just stare at their phones, which is another experience a lot of people can probably relate to. He demonstrates how to make small talk and describes how that is the basis of trust and forming relationships. He’s got solutions to these problems.

He talks about when he’s out with his friends for meals they’ll leave their cell phones at home. He’s an example. He’s starting to show what their new glass models should look like. And by doing this, he’s reinforcing his role as their mentor.

You could argue what he’s doing is manipulative, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. He’s trying to create a new glass model for them that he says will make them happier, and it may very well do that.

Make, Crack and Improve Glass Models

If you’re a leader or a coach or a teacher or someone responsible for helping people improve, then you would be wise to follow what Simon Sinek does.

Start by stepping into their glass model. Show how you care about them, how you want only good things for them. Show how well you understand them, how you know what their glass models are and where the barriers are. If you can, use metaphors to show how you know their glass models even better than they do.

And then, from a position of care, crack their models ever so slightly. Let them know you’re only doing it to help them make a glass model that will be better for them.

Don’t leave the cracks for too long. Just long enough to let them care. Then show them how to patch it up. Show them what a better glass model looks like and how good it will make them feel.

Patch up those cracks. Show them you care, show them how much of a hero you know they are. Soothe them.

Repeat as much as necessary.

There are two keys to pulling this off.

Firstly; Empathy. You need to REALLY get their glass models, not just think you do. Just because you think this would be good for them, doesn’t mean they do. You need to really understand what is important to them. That’s what allowed Simon Sinek to really resonate; he REALLY got their world.

Secondly; Acceptance. Only crack the model as much as they can take. Too much will be extremely distressing for them. They won’t want to listen to you, and you risk leaving them abandoned in a dark and dangerous place. You need to crack only as much as they can accept, and immediately help them patch it up.

When you can make, crack and improve their glass models, you have the power to change people. Use it wisely.

References:
Storr, Will. The Science of Storytelling: Why Stories Make Us Human, and How to Tell Them Better. HarperCollins Publishers.

Frith, Chris. Making up the Mind. Wiley.

Duarte, Nancy. Resonate. https://www.duarte.com/resonate-book/front/

Simon Sinek “The Millennial Question”: https://simonsinek.com/discover/the-millennial-question/